randnix.com

… well, not really, but even if, Carson Daily is an idiot.

So we’ve received a box from UPS with the Bed Bath and Beyond logo on it.  I should also mention it is also covered with stickers that say "Fragile - Handle with Care."  The stickers are red with big, bold, white letters that are invisible to the "team" at UPS charged with the safe delivery of said Fragile Box from the BB&B warehouse to my porch.

The left side of the box is completely caved in.   The sticker going around it that says "Don’t sign for this if I’m broken" is just barely hanging on by a thread.   One of the corners is bashed in with holes ripped viciously through the cardboard on 3 sides….

… the thing is, I didn’t have a chance to "not sign" for it because the UPS guy or gal just dropped it on the door mat, knocked as lightly as he or she could and then took off as fast as that brown van/truck thing could go.

So, I want to open it to see if whatever’s inside is intact or destroyed, but if I do that, then I may be destroying the evidence we’d need for UPS to give us some insurance money.   Then again, if we don’t need the insurance because it’s not destroyed, then opening it would be a grand idea.  

My head’s been going in circles on this thing, it’s like I really need to see what’s inside before I can decide if I want to see what’s inside.   In a way, it’s very Quantum.   Much like Schroedinger’s Cat, the contents of that box are both intact and destroyed right this second.    They will remain that way until they are observed.   At which time, popular quantum notion holds, two parallel universes will be created.   Depending on the vibrations of the tiny strings that comprise all known matter, I will then either be conscious in a universe that contains the boxes contents intact or the one in which the boxes contents are salvage.

Which ultimately means that, like fishing, when I go to open the box, I better be "holding my mouth right" if I want to wind up in my preferred universe; that being, of course, the one in which the boxes contents are intact (it’s a big box.)

Or, maybe I wimp out completely, and let Kara open it when she gets home.   Then the fate of the universe lies on her shoulders and not mine.

That may be the best plan. 

Be a lot easier if this was Schroedinger’s Cat instead of a box from Bed Bath and Beyond.   I hate cats.

So in between them, in my crisis driven existence, I sometimes say to myself, (get ready for it), "SELF, " (you knew it was coming), " You oughtta go see what’s going on in the blogosphere, and, by that, I mean, your blog."

If, by the time that thought continues its journey across my frontal lobe, some other person hasn’t advised of another crisis involving their inability to convert kg’s into lbs properly, or some other greatly exaggerated use of the word "urgent", then I usually type in randnix.com just to see what I used to write about.

And I always feel like a shitheel® when I see someone who commented on how glad they are I’m back blogging — only the comment was put into moderation like 5 months ago and I haven’t blogged since.  I don’t even really remember when I put comments to be moderated.   Why would I moderate someone’s comments?   What was I thinking?   Or is that the default?   How can I build the systems that run the Fortune 500 and not know anything about why my blog comments are heading into moderation with no intelligent thought or action on my part?

These questions weigh heavily on my mind for about 6 seconds before I come up with another great idea (usually involving a can of great tasting-less filling, Miller Lite!  The beer that’s NEVER watered-down, so you can RAISE it up!)

How’s that for what we call in The Biz, "Product Placement"?   I expect an official spokesperson agreement in the mail any day now.

Actually, not to detract from what is unquestionably a great beer, Miller Lite, the ONLY beer bringing you a better, bolder summer where you could win a 105th Anniversary Edition Harley-Davidson Motorcycle ®, I’d like us to be serious for a moment, as I’ve recently had some revelations, or insight, or discoveries, or maybe just common sense that I never had before — I don’t know — but it’s about something, I think, a lot of us take for granted and we shouldn’t (and, no, I’m not talking about the Award Winning Taste of The Original Light Beer, Miller Lite!)  I am talking about something far more biological in nature: 

Poop.

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“I’m finding it increasingly difficult to cater to your strange needs…”

– My clients project manager, speaking to me as we stood in line for security at their Brazilian office, obviously failing to realize that we all deal with different cultures in different ways and that. . .  some may be more eccentric than others.

Truth be told, I could leave now and I’d have gotten what I came for.

FYI, you shouldn’t end a sentence with FOR.   It’s a preposition; so let me rephrase.

Truth be told, I could leave now and I’d have gotten what I came for, asswipe.

The previous statements, aren’t quite right though, are they?

I didn’t fly all the way here to stay in a hotel like this in a room like this on the promise of a pre-release sneak at the final product about which the conference centers.   This is the hottest, most exciting thing I’ve been involved with in forever!   It’s gonna rock and I bet I get a cool name tag.

I watched this movie today.

It was really good.

You should watch it.

[EDITED.   Again, I ruined the ending for anyone who hasn't seen it in the original post, and I've since thought better.]

So, you ask.   What the hell did Rand Damn Nix DO in 2007?  It certainly wasn’t blogging, now was it?

No, it was not.

2007 definitely had some challenges, but I’d have to say, looking back on it, it’s got to have been the best Rand Year in recent history.

NOTABLES:

AA Miles:  77,000

Countries:   7

Passports:  2

Lines of Code:   Give me a break…

Broken Bones:   1 or 5, but all in the hand.

Number of Hotels kicked out of:  1

Number of Hotels that should have kicked me out:   2

Number of lunches that consisted of rice, beans and mystery meat:  7,234

Number of weeks spent out of the country:   Far more than in.

So that’s pretty much what’s kept me busy and not blogging.   I really do intend to do better this year, but last year, seriously, I wound up on the back foot trying to make good on a million dollar promise I made counting on some support I didn’t get.   The fact that I did make good on the promise despite being behind from the start and without the support I was counting on made me realize how important it is to not go around making promises.   ;-)  

What I can tell you is that, and this is important, from the deserted backwaters of the Amazon, to trendy restaurants in England and all the way to the smoke filled Cafe’s in Paris…   and you may not believe me. . . . but I’ve got plenty of photos to prove it. . .

. . .  the buttcrack is back.   Seriously, if you’re not showing some crack, you just lost your relevance in the new world.  Once the only identifying characteristic of the average plumber –  today, however, in the 21’st century, we still don’t have our flying cars, granted… but we’ve got buttcrack.   Miles of it.

So, for 2007, we can sum it up with that:  The Crack is Back, Jack.  

… and thanks of Gods.   (that’s an inside joke you’ll never get unless you’re one of two people on the planet, one of which will probably never read this — it’s not his native tongue.)

A)   No more freakin’ Christmas songs.   I hate those songs, I always have and before you tell me that makes me a scrooge, I direct you to Andy Rooney who once admonished any broadcast affiliate to limit themselves to 5 instances of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer for the entire holiday season.   Advice no one has seem to have taken.

2)  The gift thing. . . . sucks.  Who has what on whose list, who has set what limit on what gift exchange, whose going to break the rules and buy gifts when they agreed not to and make you feel bad for following aforementioned rules.. . blah blah blah blah. . . .  Kids need gifts.   Adults need to get through the various and multiple commitments of the holidays with a minimal amount of stress…

3)   When i have kids, I’ll probably think differently, but right now all I can think about is getting a few days grace before getting back into the full swing of my life and my work. . .  and pardon me for being a little indignant that all that has been interrupted by this entire sham called Christmas, but really, I’d prefer to have the time off to get my own life in order than trying to figure out which gift card to buy for whom.  "It’s the season for giving."   CRAP.   I’d prefer it to be a year for giving and not try to cram it all into one or two days, depending on if you do it on the Eve or the Day itself.

Merry Christmas…  Here’s to a better new year.

R.